Thursday, December 22, 2011

My Home, I Mean Ambulance Birth

There's no other way to start this story, so here is my birth story -

My due date was December 6th, which was over 2 weeks ago. As of Wednesday, I was 42 weeks, and 1 day. Because I was so far along, I was being monitored to make sure that Quentin's heart rate was good and so that day I was sent for a biophysical (which is basically an extensive ultrasound) after an appointment with my midwife where I had my membranes stripped. At the ultrasound, I was told that he passed his test and everything looked fine, but because he was so big and squished in there, they couldn't see things like his chest, but that there was no reason for concern.

Shortly after leaving the ultrasound appointment, I received a call from my midwife asking me what the technician had explained to me, and I just told her that he passed the biophysical. She said that he did, but that they noticed something on his stomach which led them to believe he could possibly have gastroschisis. They wanted to send me to St. Vincent Hospital the next day (yesterday) to have a more extensive ultrasound done to determine whether or not he had this condition. I made the decision that until we knew for sure whether or not he had it, that I would deliver him in a hospital in the event that I went into labor that night. I told my midwives what my decision was, but if I had the ultrasound done the next day and it showed that there was no concern, then I would continue on with my plan to have a home birth. My midwives supported that decision.

So, while we were praying that Quentin did not have this condition, we were also praying that I would not go into labor as we all felt it would be best for us to try and make it to St. Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis, about an hour and a half drive from my home. Around midnight on Thursday morning, I started feeling some cramping, but thought it was just where my membranes had been stripped as my stomach wasn't getting hard and they didn't feel like normal contractions. So, I tried to go to sleep around 12:15 and at 12:45, I woke up. The pains were getting closer together and stronger, so I woke my mom up and told her I was going to call the midwife on call and see what she thought I should do. I spoke with her and she suggested that we go ahead and go to the hospital, but she thinks it would still be wise to head to St. Vincent just in case Quentin was not ok. We quickly got ready and packed a bag, at 1:50am, we met up with my dad and headed towards Indianapolis. My mom had my midwife on the phone and my contractions were quickly progressing and at this point were not even a minute apart. About 15 minutes into the trip, my water broke and I knew he was coming very soon. My dad said there was a hospital at the next exit and I said to call 911 because I wouldn't make it and that we had to pull off at the exit and meet up with an ambulance. Needless to say, it was terrifying as you can't just stop labor, and I KNEW that he was coming.

We pulled off at a church and a police officer met us there, he put gloves on and came over to my car, I had my midwife on the phone and said "There is a police officer here and he wants to touch me, he has no clue what he's doing though!" She said "Mary, you know how to deliver you're own baby." That gave me the confidence right there that I was still in charge of my delivery, and no one else. Obviously, after I delivered him I would have to give up control of Quentin if he was not ok, but for now, I knew what I needed to do. Shortly thereafter the paramedics came and they tried to get me out of my car, mid contraction, so I told them they'd just have to wait but they insisted that I get out because it was too cold to deliver a baby in my car. I knew I wasn't going to have him that second, so I knew there was time for me to get through that contraction. After the next one, I got up and got on the gurney and they put me in the ambulance, started an IV, and I told them he was coming. My mom kept saying that my midwife said to try and not push, but it was too far, there was no choice as my uterus was doing all of the work at that point. About two minutes into the ride, Quentin Isaiah was born in the back of the ambulance around 2:26am, although no one believed me when I said "He's here!" I am assuming they thought I meant he was crowning or I just thought he was coming, but I meant he was out and needed to be picked up. They finally did once they heard him cry. They put him on me after they told me that he was HEALTHY! I couldn't believe it, I had my beautiful piece of Luke in my arms, finally!

We got to the hospital and I asked him to not cut the cord, but to please wait until it stopped pulsing and it was of no use to Quentin anymore. They thought it was a little different, but agreed to let that happen. They took us to a room and got us settled, I delivered the placenta when it was ready and they checked Quentin out and gave him a bath. Over the next twelve hours we went through the typical hospital process of monitoring vitals and blood work. We were able to speak with the OB and the pediatrician about leaving earlier than anticipated since we weren't able to have a home birth but I still obviously had the desire to be at home with my baby. I explained our situation and since everyone was healthy and the midwives would be monitoring us after that, they agreed to let us go around 24 hours.

I must say that I am very impressed with the staff at the Henry County hospital and their willingness to understand my situation and the cooperation that I received to honor being at home as much as possible. While I still didn't like having people in and out of my room and feeling invaded, they were very understanding. On the other hand, I must say that I am beyond disappointed in the staff at Reid Hospital in Richmond, Indiana. My midwife called the OB on call to give him a heads up in the event that I went into labor that night so he was aware of the possible condition so Quentin could be taken to wherever he needed to be taken immediately. He was very aggressive and bullied my midwife for "allowing" me to go past 42 weeks, even though this was MY decision and MY decision alone. She in no way forced me to do anything that I was not comfortable with as it was my desire to allow my child to come when he was ready and I in no way regret the decision to go so far post date, God knew what He was doing when He orchestrated this. And just because a woman goes past her due date, this does not mean she is immediately unhealthy, or that her baby is unhealthy, as this was proven with my situation!

So, that is my "New Kind of Pregnancy" birth story. Definitely not what we anticipated or wanted, but we have a very healthy 9 lbs., 5 oz. and 21" long baby boy!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Most Recent Update

As of today, I am 41 weeks, 6 days. I had a check-up with one of the midwifery assistants yesterday for another non-stress test. His heart rate sounds great and he is moving a lot, so everything looks good!
I do have an appointment this Wednesday where they will do the basic stuff, but immediately afterwards I will be sent to have a biophysical done, which is basically an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok.
Please pray that he comes soon and that everything goes well. Thank you for your continued prayers!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Baby Update and Some Definitions

As you know, I am just slightly past my due date now. 11 days to be exact. But, I am trying to keep in mind that the due date is just an estimation and not a guarantee or expiration date. Today, I am 41 weeks and 4 days and little Q is still moving away.

I have been asked several times if I'll be induced or what exactly the plan is. The truth is that we are going to let nature takes its course and while I may be anxious to see my baby and I am uncomfortable, we are going to let him come when he is ready. There were a few concerns that I had, but my midwife discussed those with me and I feel much better and more confident now.
So, for now we are just waiting for all of these insane contractions I'm having to just stay instead of going away every time!

On a completely different note, here are some definitions to clear up any confusion that people may have:

Grief; deep sorrow, especially that caused by a person's death.

Self-pity; excessive, absorbed unhappiness over one's own problems.

........... I hope that helps.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Growing and Grieving

There is a lot of growing going on here, physical and emotional. I am now 40 weeks, and 3 days into my third pregnancy. I am very ready to have this baby, as most pregnant women are at this point, but it's much deeper than the normal discomfort for me. It's bittersweet as I prepare to give birth to my fatherless baby. I never thought I'd be in this position, but I am not the first, nor will I be the last (unfortunately). I want to prepare for how I may feel or react to certain things in labor, but there is no way of knowing until I'm in it. As you can imagine, little Quentin is getting quite big and his movements have gone from big leaps to small nudges, as he is definitely lacking room. I cannot wait to see his sweet face, hoping that he looks exactly like his daddy. I cannot wait to hold his little hand and kiss his chubby cheeks, knowing that he is the final product of the love that my soul mate and I shared before he left for Afghanistan.

If you know me at all, you know I don't grieve well in front of others. But I have feelings, that I just want to get out. I understand that people want to be helpful or do not know what to say, but sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest and let others know how things make me feel instead of just taking it all of the time. So with that, here is my grieving portion of this blog post:

This deployment seemed different, from the very beginning. I guess you could say we had a "feeling" that something might happen, but I honestly think the reality of him leaving the boys and me hit him this time. He was more emotional about leaving us and had a very hard time when I took him to the airport for our final goodbye in April. Some people say it must be easier for me to grieve and move past this because he wasn't here often and since he was already gone. All I can say to that is "don't say things unless you've lived them and know." That's mildly offensive to me as no death is easy to get over, but beyond that, I can barely remember what it's like to be held by him anymore, and the only way I remember his voice is by replaying his voicemails over and over and over. I will say that the fact that he wasn't here very often because of his work makes it easier on the boys, because they were used to him being gone and do not ask for him like I imagine many kids whose fathers have normal jobs would. Other people say that it's easier because I didn't have to see him suffer. On the other hand, I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to tell him I love him one last time before he slipped into eternity. I didn't get to hold him, kiss him, or touch his face one last time. I used to close my eyes and feel his face, hoping I'd never have to try so hard to remember what it felt like one day.

But I'm there now.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Questions and Concerns

Obviously, doing a home birth has proven to be very different from doing a hospital birth as there are many decisions that have to be made, some that were obvious and others that have come up along the way. Here are two of the bigger decisions that I have had to recently make.

One of the biggest things I've been wondering about since the time we found out that we were having another boy, was how he would be circumcised, since the hospital usually does it while the baby is still admitted. I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday, and I asked her that question. She gave me the name of a Jewish doctor who will come to your home and perform the circumcision! I spoke with him today, and I found out that not only will he come to my home, but he also waits 8 days after the baby is born so that the body will naturally produce Vitamin K, that way we won't have to give him the Vitamin K shot to make his blood clot. This may not sound like a big deal, but I'm really trying to do things differently and healthier with Quentin, and if I can wait an extra week for his body to naturally produce the Vitamin, then why not let his body do what it needs to do?
Click here to view Dr. Miller's website, where he gives some more information regarding the circumcision.

The next big concern and decision I had to make was whether to rent or buy a birthing tub, since my goal is to have a water birth. There are a few tubs on the market, and I've found that the main thing to look for when purchasing a tub is to ensure that your back will be submerged in an effort to maximize pain relief.
I called the midwifery office and they suggested the La Bassine ® Water Birth Pool, which is what I ended up purchasing from
Click here to view the tub.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Building a New Life

Six years ago yesterday, I gave my heart to my hero. We stood in an old, brick, country church alongside our friends and family as we made vows that we honored, until death did us part. Half of my heart is gone, there is an emptiness in my life. An emptiness that is becoming so much more real now that I'm having to build a new life, without him. For almost 8 years (including my time in the Marine Corps), I have been told where to go and what to do by the Marine Corps, and now, I'm being forced to start a new life, without the Corps. When I was in, I so badly wanted out so I could be home with our son, Tyson. And now that I am far from my "other" family, I miss the life more than ever. Those who stood beside me, and those who stood beside my husband - even as he laid there dying - and their families, are now intertwined deeper into my life than I ever thought was possible.

I find, as holidays pass and Quentin is about to be born, that l have to build OUR new life, one that I never thought I would make. So many decisions that I have to make now, alone. One of the worst parts of settling down is that I'm no longer busy all of the time. I am getting new friends, but I miss those I already have, in California. I miss my love, having someone to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, the companionship. I don't want to make anyone mad, I want to make everyone happy in the way that I raise my boys, but it's all part of finding my way, making my own decisions as I have to.

I am thankful for my home, our home. The Lord has blessed us with a safe haven, but I have to say that I don't have the motivation to do anything here yet. Maybe it's that I'm 9 days from my due date, maybe it's that I don't want to have to feel the pain of sorting through his clothes, and finding his old shampoo and conditioner while unpacking and not wanting to throw it away, like he's going to use it again? Who saves shampoo and conditioner? …………… Widows do.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Today is the Marine Corps' 236th birthday, so happy birthday to all of my fellow Marines out there!

Two weeks ago today, my husband along with the four other Marines who gave their lives in his battalion were honored in a memorial service conducted by his unit. It was such a nice ceremony, and it was great to be with his Marines. To hear the stories, some pleasant, some not so pleasant. I was given a few more details about the day of his death and how they had never expected him to pass from his injuries, but the Lord saw fit to take him that day.

At the end of the ceremony, the families had an opportunity to go up to their Marine's picture, boots, and rifle draped in dog tags with a kevlar carefully placed on top to have a moment. We also had the opportunity to take a moment and honor the other Marines. As I approached each of the Marine's pictures, I quietly bent down to tell Tyson about that Marine and what his name was. Luke was the last in line as they put them in order of date of death. When I got to his picture, we just took a moment to reflect on him, with the awkwardness of both Marines and people watching us. I wanted to spend a moment alone with not just my husband, but my fellow Marine.

As many of you know, I am a a former Marine. I have been out of the Marine Corps for almost four years now, but Luke and I met while I was an active duty Marine. We were married and had Tyson while I was in. It was a special bond that we had and I wanted to honor him as any other Marine would.

I would be naive to think that our Marine Corps worlds were the same, or even similar, but Luke was always very accepting and defensive of female Marines and those of us who are considered POG's (person other than grunt). He knew that every Marine was trained the same, deserved respect regardless of their gender and MOS, and he also knew that every Marine had a purpose and use for the Marine Corps.

He loved the Marine Corps, a lot. He loved his Marines, a lot. It was that love that made him the amazing Marine that he was, and still is as he lives on in so many hearts. Even though he outranked me, we would always tease each other, so happy birthday there, devil!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Today's the Day, He Should be Home

Well, today is the day. The day that I knew would set me into reality, into real grieving.
In truth, my reality started Thursday when I went through my husband's inventory from Afghanistan. Among many things I longed to have back in my possession, I found his wedding band and his phone with pictures from deployment. It was so good to see him and to touch the wedding band I once placed on his left ring finger as I made the vows "til death do us part." A saying that I never thought would happen this soon.

The second Marine to arrive on scene after Luke had been hurt, and had done his initial inventory in Afghanistan, was able to do the inventory with me as he came home on the advanced party. I had a chance to talk to him personally; it was so nice to hug someone who saw my husband in his last moments, to gain a little bit of closure, and to actually open up and shed some tears that I've hidden for almost three months.
Starting Wednesday night, I would wake up once or twice. Last night, I was able to sleep for about three hours. My sweet Zachary woke up in the middle of the night calling for me and I put him in bed with me. Sometime after that he was talking in his sleep and he said "He has a hat" and I asked him who had a hat on and he said "daddy." After that I asked him if he was dreaming about his daddy and he nodded yes, then I asked him if he saw daddy and he said "no, my daddy is gone." He didn't sleep well either, it seems reality is setting in for our entire family.

Today, many of our warriors came home. They aren't just warriors, they are also heroes. The battalion still has more Marines and Sailors coming back in the near future, but I think we can all sigh a breath of relief as each group comes home. And for those who didn't come home, they will continue to live on in our hearts and minds.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Back to Baby Q

The original intent of this blog was to document my decision to have a home birth, so I want to write a post to refocus and discuss that intent again.
I'm not going to lie, after my husband died, I had the thought of just doing a hospital birth and giving up on the dream of having a home birth, or a birthing center birth which was going to be the case at that time. I had recently relocated to California, where my husband should have been coming back to in only a matter of weeks from now. I was going to look into a home birth there, but there were no CNM's in the area, and our insurance will only cover a home birth if it is performed by a CNM, not a CPM.
Anyways, I had temporarily decided to go ahead and get set up with a birthing center in San Diego, I had a doula, now all I needed was my husband and then to have this baby!
Plans changed.
I now have a home, back in Indiana where my family lives, and I have decided to continue my goal of having a home birth. It hit me one day after I had the thought of just giving up and going back to the hospital, that I really wanted this to be a private and intimate delivery because of the circumstances. I know that the birth of Quentin is going to be bittersweet, and I want to share that with people who know me, love my family, and know our situation; not random people who come into the delivery room to watch my progress, most of which I've never even met!
So, I have decided that I will have a home birth (not sure which room just quite yet) in our new home, with only three people there, four including myself and then five once Q has arrived!
I am planning on doing a water birth as well, but I've learned from talking to other women who have either wanted to or have had water births, it doesn't always work out. What I want to do, and what my body is going to do are two very different things, and I'm really excited to find out not only how I'll be giving birth (in the water or out), but I'm also really excited to discover the birthing position that is right for me. My overall goal at this time is to do a stand and squat in a birthing pool, and to help deliver Quentin on my own as much as possible.
Obviously, I have never given birth in a pool, so if there are any water birth veterans out there, I would LOVE to have your pool suggestions!

Friday, September 30, 2011


Even though sometimes we just don't want to do something, we must. I felt that last week more than ever up to this point since my husband was killed in Afghanistan on August 1st.
I bought a home.
Not a house that we will live in for three years and then move to a new one.
A home, where I will raise our three young boys to be men. I can imagine now the holidays that we will spend there; though bittersweet, we will learn to plant our roots.
Though we are blessed beyond measure that we are taken care of, I still lost my husband.
Sometimes I just don't want to do it, I don't want to buy a house without him; this isn't how it was supposed to be! We made plans for this, we were saving for this, and now it's here, in my lap, so soon.
All I want is him. His touch, his smile, his occasional laugh, his hand to hold, his body to spoon at night, his tight hugs and sweet kisses he'd give me as soon as he walked in or right before he walked out of the door. He was never the man that you had to remind to say "I love you" when getting off of the phone, he would sometimes remind me if I were distracted and didn't say it.
His unit is now coming home from Afghanistan, minus five brave souls who gave the ultimate sacrifice, including my husband, my soul mate.
We all throw around the term "ultimate sacrifice" for those who have lost their lives in battle, but what really is the ultimate sacrifice? Here is what it means in my heart:

1. My husband not being here for the birth of our third son.
2. Never being able to meet our son, Quentin Isaiah.
3. Not buying a house with me, his WIFE, and growing old together in that home.
4. Not seeing Tyson go to preschool.
5. Never seeing his sons graduate from high school, hopefully college, and get married.

The list goes on and on, but I won't bore everyone with the thoughts that are overbearing my mind these days. The pain and grieving is beginning to really set in as reality is hitting my like a freight train. I knew it was coming, once the guys came home, but I always dreaded the way I would feel when it did hit me. Of course, being almost 8 months pregnant (31 weeks today!), isn't helping my emotions at all as I'm one big hormonal mess these days.

I will be taking a break from Facebook for a few weeks, as this time is much harder than I thought it would be. I am beyond happy for the families that have their Marine and Sailors back, but it's probably best if I don't see all of the pictures and let my imagination run wild with the "what-if's" of my husband's death. If you need to contact me, please email me at

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Some days are harder than others, but I've noticed even more that some moments are harder than others. There are moments of guilt, anger, sadness, and joy.

I feel guilty for the times we spent fighting over silly things, things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things; but then I remember that those things are what makes a marriage strong, because it causes two people to communicate and work their differences out together.

At times I feel angry because I hated how much my husband was gone, not just on deployment, but also training and working. I feel jipped sometimes, like I only had five years with him, but we were hardly ever together.

I feel sadness when I look at my favorite picture above. I feel sad when I look at pictures of Luke and our sons. I feel the most sad when I think about the fact that Q will never meet his daddy, and when I think of the holidays we will never have together.

When these feelings come to mind, I push them far away. I remember things, and then I try to forget them temporarily. Not permanently, because I never want to forget how he used to kiss me, hold my hand, laugh, talk, sleep, smile; I don't want to forget how he used to do anything. But I feel that if I shove it out of my brain temporarily, it will make it easier to handle later on when I think of it again. I couldn't even touch him at the funeral because I could not bear to remember him as cold and lifeless; I only want to remember him the way he was when he would hold my hand so tight he left a permanent bruise on my ring finger.

And after I feel all of these things, I feel joy. I am joyful because I know that Luke is in a better place, a much better place than we are. He is in heaven, rejoicing and praising the Lord! I find even more joy because I know I'll be there with him one day. And then I remember, even when I feel those moments of anger, that God carefully orchestrated all of this and has a plan for our family. Exactly a month after I lost my love, a friend gave me this verse and every time I try to forget the painful memories that will never be relived again, this puts things back into perspective for me:

Philippians 1:3 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"

Monday, August 29, 2011

Our Baby, Q

Four weeks ago today, I received a phone call that my husband had been injured in Afghanistan. This is a phone call that anyone would dread, but I always wanted that over having a Marine show up at my door to tell me that my husband was dead. I waited several hours, and then that reality hit.
My love, my best friend, my other half, my better half, the love of my life was killed.
It still hasn't completely set in and I don't think it will for a couple of months, when everyone else is home except for him and the four other Marines who gave their lives in their battalion.
Not only do I have the almost six years of marriage that we shared together to remember, but I am beyond blessed that he gave me beautiful boys in which I see a little bit of him in different ways in each of them.
I not only have our sweet Tyson who understands and smiles when he says that his daddy is in heaven, singing to Jesus. I not only have our sweet Zachary, who reminds me so much of his daddy. But I also have a symbol of our love and union inside of me, our Q, as his daddy started calling him before he was called home to heaven.
I had a 3D/4D ultrasound done a couple of months ago, where we found out that we were having another boy. I was able to send Leon a picture of Quentin, which he admitted looked a little weird since I was only 15 weeks pregnant at the time of the ultrasound; but it makes me so happy to know that he not only knew that he was going to have a third son, he knew his name, and he saw him.
Even though my precious Quentin Isaiah, or Q, will never see his daddy on earth, I rest a little easier knowing that his daddy saw him.
Q is a bittersweet treasure for me right now. It breaks my heart beyond belief that my three boys will not have their daddy, it breaks it even more for Quentin..... But every little kick and nudge that I feel from my eggplant sized baby is a reminder of the love that we shared.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ahh, this is so refreshing!

I finally had an appointment with a CNM today and it was so refreshing to talk to someone that I knew actually cared about my baby and me, and not just about getting through another appointment.

The midwifery office was in a quaint, little town that just screamed "Mayberry." We pulled up to the office, which was in an old, victorian house. We walked inside and they took my blood pressure and did my interview with me on a comfy sofa. She then did my exam and gave me so much information and answered all of my questions.

It was amazing.

I loved the atmosphere and how personal it was compared to my last two pregnancies. Even though I won't be going to this midwife throughout my entire pregnancy, it was so nice to know I'm making the right decision by going to a birthing center, using a CNM, and having a doula.

I'm not sure when my next appointment will be, but Quentin's heartbeat is right on track and he is measuring slightly big, but his brothers did too so I guess we will have another big baby!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Things are Finally Starting to Looking Up!

After dealing with the insurance company and not getting any clear answers on the procedure for going to a birthing center or having a home birth with a midwife; and after being 17 1/2 pregnant and STILL having not been seen by a medical professional, things are finally starting to look up!
We decided that we will be moving back to California, where I will have the great opportunity to have not only a fellow Marine wife, but also a friend to be my doula! Not only will I have an excellent doula, but I have also found a wonderful birthing center (which has been recommended from friends) where I will be able to deliver our next baby BOY! We found out two weeks ago that we will be welcoming Quentin Emmett to our family. Our sons are thrilled to have another brother!
I do have an appointment with a CNM next week to make sure everything is good with little Quentin, and then once we make it back to California I will be able to get set up at the birthing center there. Needless to say, I am thrilled to finally find a birthing center that is in the TriCare network, which means we won't have to worry about paying for any unexpected fees.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dreaming about "hers".....

My sweet, four-year old son, Tyson (yes, just like the chicken and the boxer) likes to tell me that i have a baby girl in my stomach and that "hers" will come out when my tummy hurts. The other night, I had a very real dream that I was in labor and was fortunate enough to do a home, water-birth where I was able to actually deliver the baby on my own (as I'm hoping to do with the supervision of a midwife, of course). Everything went perfectly in my dream, along with no tearing! I vividly remember birthing the baby, but I don't remember who was there and if the baby was a boy or a girl. I guess this dream means I'm even more excited for this process than I realized! I'm only six weeks and one day right now, so I still have several months to dream the rest of my dream.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Finding a midwife, with Tricare....

We are a military family, which means that we use Tricare insurance. It has been quite the experience to get answers from them as to what they approve, but I finally received some answers. We recently moved and had to change our plan, and they actually set us up with a doctor that doesn't even see patients unless are admitted to the hospital. When I called to ask how I could get set up with a midwife, they said I would have to switch to a new doctor (one that actually sees patients), go see that doctor and get a referral to an OB/GYN. Once that OB/GYN gets approved, I would have to go there and get an approval for a midwife. If that referral got approved, I would then be able to see a midwife. After doing a little research, I discovered that there is an easier way to do this without having to see a ridiculous amount of doctors, but Tricare will only cover CNM's (certified nursing midwife). I had already spoken to a great midwife and was crushed when I found out that I could not use her for my upcoming home birth. At this time, I have only found one midwife that will even consider me, but I am outside of their service area. However, they are allowing me to come to a group interview session and they will decide whether they will come here for the birth or not. I realize that I am very fortunate that my insurance at least covers CNM's, as I have heard horror stories about companies who will not allow any home births at all. My prayer right now is that this midwife will accept my baby and me and that we will be able to experience this new kind of birth.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Enough is enough.....

Although I didn't experience anything traumatic or life threatening through either of my previous pregnancies, I wanted to know and explore my options with this baby. With military healthcare, you are often very limited, but thankfully I have researched it and I do have options! I am currently seeking a CNM (certified nursing midwife), and I have a few interviews at the end of the month. My ultimate goal is to have a home, water birth with as little help from the midwife as possible. Enough is enough of letting others make the decisions for myself and my children. In today's society, women are taught that we need help to give birth to our children, but we have so easily forgotten that God designed women to carry children in the womb, to birth, and to lactate. It is my true desire to explore what I am capable of, alone, and to accomplish that while still ensuring that my baby and I are safe.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Hello friends and family! Thank you for visiting my blog as I explore different birthing options for our third child. I will give a brief history of my previous pregnancies and labors and explain why I am choosing to be in charge of this pregnancy.


Our first son, Tyson, was born in March of 2007. We found out that we were pregnant with him about 7 months after we were married. I was in the Marine Corps at the time and therefore, I just went with the flow and allowed them to do whatever they did
with other pregnancies. I attended regular appointments, had ultrasounds,
and did most of the testing that they require or suggest. Around 5 months along in my pregnancy, I had to receive the Rhogam shot because I am RH-. While at this appointment, not only did they forget to schedule my normal appointment, but they also told me that I must receive the Rhogam shot regardless of my husband's blood type because there was always a possibility that he wasn't the father. This was the straw that broke the camel's back, I came out of that appointment crying, wondering how someone could accuse me of adultery (in a round about way), and just terribly disappointed in the lack of compassion and care that I was receiving. I continued the pregnancy at this facility and eventually had our son. It was a very easy labor as I labored at home for about 24 hours and was admitted to the hospital when I was 5 cm. About 6-7 hours after being admitted, and an epidural later, Tyson was born weighing 9.2 lbs, and 20 1/4 inches long, by two doctors I had never seen before. Unfortunately, I tore fairly badly with Tyson, and it never healed properly, until after my second birth.


Our second son, Zachary, was born in March of 2009. We found out that we were pregnant with him when Tyson was roughly 16 months old. I was able to see the same midwife at the hospital throughout all of my pregnancy, until we were moved when I was eight months pregnant. Once we moved to the new area, I was given a new doctor who wasn't the friendliest or most caring man in the world. I would often leave the appointments crying as he would literally walk out of the room as I was asking questions. I began bleeding a few days before my due date, and I also woke up passing blood clots in the middle of the night. They told me that I was probably dilating, but for some reason it just seemed off to me to be passing blood clots bigger than a golf ball when I was pregnant. I ended up having my husband come into my next appointment and beg for me to be induced as the safest thing in my eyes for the baby at the time was to just induce me and deliver him. The doctor finally agreed and I was given pitocin around 10:30 on a Tuesday morning and by 4:45 that afternoon, and after one push, Zachary was delivered by another doctor I had never seen before. He weighed 9.3 lbs, and was 20 1/2 inches long, and I unfortunately tore with him as well, but I will say that they corrected the problem that I had when I tore with Tyson.