Even though sometimes we just don't want to do something, we must. I felt that last week more than ever up to this point since my husband was killed in Afghanistan on August 1st.
I bought a home.
Not a house that we will live in for three years and then move to a new one.
A home, where I will raise our three young boys to be men. I can imagine now the holidays that we will spend there; though bittersweet, we will learn to plant our roots.
Though we are blessed beyond measure that we are taken care of, I still lost my husband.
Sometimes I just don't want to do it, I don't want to buy a house without him; this isn't how it was supposed to be! We made plans for this, we were saving for this, and now it's here, in my lap, so soon.
All I want is him. His touch, his smile, his occasional laugh, his hand to hold, his body to spoon at night, his tight hugs and sweet kisses he'd give me as soon as he walked in or right before he walked out of the door. He was never the man that you had to remind to say "I love you" when getting off of the phone, he would sometimes remind me if I were distracted and didn't say it.
His unit is now coming home from Afghanistan, minus five brave souls who gave the ultimate sacrifice, including my husband, my soul mate.
We all throw around the term "ultimate sacrifice" for those who have lost their lives in battle, but what really is the ultimate sacrifice? Here is what it means in my heart:
1. My husband not being here for the birth of our third son.
2. Never being able to meet our son, Quentin Isaiah.
3. Not buying a house with me, his WIFE, and growing old together in that home.
4. Not seeing Tyson go to preschool.
5. Never seeing his sons graduate from high school, hopefully college, and get married.
The list goes on and on, but I won't bore everyone with the thoughts that are overbearing my mind these days. The pain and grieving is beginning to really set in as reality is hitting my like a freight train. I knew it was coming, once the guys came home, but I always dreaded the way I would feel when it did hit me. Of course, being almost 8 months pregnant (31 weeks today!), isn't helping my emotions at all as I'm one big hormonal mess these days.
I will be taking a break from Facebook for a few weeks, as this time is much harder than I thought it would be. I am beyond happy for the families that have their Marine and Sailors back, but it's probably best if I don't see all of the pictures and let my imagination run wild with the "what-if's" of my husband's death. If you need to contact me, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org