I first want to say that I know some of my followers may not listen to music like this, so if it will offend you, then don't listen to it. I am posting this song because it says what I wish I had back.
After only four months of marriage, a friend of mine lost her husband. At the age of nineteen, she was a widow. That's such a creepy feeling, calling yourself a widow. It makes you feel old and worn, it instantly ages you, turns your life into something different. It's like you were given a new set of eyes to notice things that don't matter anymore. You almost have a need to tell everyone to treasure every breath, every heartbeat that their love has.
I remember this friend saying that she would listen to her husband's heartbeat while lying in bed. Once her husband had died and she arrived at the hospital, she laid her head on his chest one last time, desperately hoping to hear and feel his heart beat.
There was nothing.
After hearing her tell this story, I cherished every chance I had to hear my loves heartbeat. It was so strong, just like him. It was loud and full of life. I remember being next to him and putting my head on his chest, trying to remember every beat, memorizing the rhythm of his heart, hoping that I would never have to try and remember it.
It's hard to understand that the thing that was once a resonant pulse pumping life into his veins, is the same thing that eventually killed him.
I try my hardest to not think of that day, but sometimes my mind wanders without even realizing it until I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. As memories of his smile, touch, and voice are continuing to fade, I am desperately trying to grasp every single one of them.
Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine him wrapping his arms around me once again and feeling his heartbeat, knowing that it meant everything was fine. That it was all a nightmare that I've finally been able to wake myself up from.