This is not my best writing; it is not pretty or eloquent, but it's what's happening and how I'm feeling. Hope to read some comments!
I'm lonely, and it feels like it's been so long. He left last April, and once he left, there were few phone calls and emails. I grieved when he left, which I never did when he deployed. I knew it was part of the job and while I hated it when he was gone, I knew he'd be back. This time was different, I don't know if we had a "gut feeling" or what, but God allowed me to grieve a lot when he deployed. Sometimes I think He did that to help me adjust a little easier to being a widow, but I'll never know that for sure. It's getting a little easier these days now that I have more control over my emotions, and as time passes. I'm occupying my time with the boys and the house, and I'm even considering going back to school in the fall. There are some really good days, like yesterday. My mom took the older boys for the entire day. So, Quentin and I hung out together. I cleaned the house, did some important stuff, and enjoyed having the break. That evening, some of my Marine family and my biological family met up at Tyson's school for his school carnival. It was so much fun! There were so many people that it was a little overwhelming, but so worth it to see the kids have a good time and just share time with people that I love. There are some great days.
But then there are bad days; days when the paperwork is pouring in, the boys are fighting, and I start to freak out. A few weeks back I found out that someone decided to file taxes under my deceased husband's SSN. How dare they do that? Don't they know that my husband is a hero? I felt invaded, I was mad...... really mad. I had also lost (not due to death, but by choice) a friend that I truly care(d) about and miss, and the combination was overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I will be able to start dating at the end of the summer, beginning of fall. And then I wonder how I could ever let my heart go to someone else.
When Luke was first killed, Zachary cried when Tyson and I cried, but I don't think he really understood it. At his daddy's funeral, I held him and he just kept rubbing my back as he was very unsure of what was going on. The truth is that he is starting to grieve, but he really doesn't understand enough to know what happened. He definitely remembers his daddy, which I think is even more confusing for him. Tyson can distinguish that his daddy is dead, Zachary thinks he is just gone and is not coming home. Today I had a pretty bad headache and I was lying on the couch resting with Zachary. I said that I wanted to just go to sleep, but we had a few hours before bed time, so I would just take it easy. Zach said "Don't go to sleep, when daddy gets hurt you have to drive and go get him." I just looked at him and asked him what he said, he said "Never mind." I told him to tell me and he said the same thing about picking daddy up, and then said "You stand me? Do you stand (understand) me, mommy?" I started to tear up and he said "Don't. Please don't. Just go to sleep."
The realization of our life is setting in for my sweet Zachary. He doesn't completely understand where daddy is, although if you ask him he will tell you that he is in heaven with Jesus. He's also talked about how there are two daddy's, a good one and a bad one. The best way that I understand it is the "bad daddy" is the one that was killed by the bad guys, that's why he associates him as being bad. The "good daddy" is the one that I'm supposed to go pick up and bring home. He doesn't understand. He also told me today that the Marines put holes in his daddy. I told him that the Marines are good, that mommy and daddy are Marines, and the bad guys put the holes in daddy with a bomb. He then told me that he was going to be a Marine and go to Afghanistan. My heart hearts so bad for him, I can hardly stand to see him in pain, but not knowing why.