Friday, July 20, 2012

And Just Smiled

Ugh.

I have not posted in quite awhile. I have several different reasons for that, one being that I'm just really busy, ya know, being a single mother of three and all. Another reason is that I'm not getting as much organizing done as I'd like, and I'm supposed to be posting my progress, but I just haven't been in the mood to organize. It's depressing. And last but not least, I'm just blah. I'm ready for August 1st to be here and gone, so I can get out of this weird mood.

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind throughout the day, and so many emotions that I've been feeling recently with the first anniversary of Luke's death quickly approaching. My mind goes back to that day, to that phone call when I still had hope that he was coming home to us. My mind goes to what it used to be like, trying to remember what it felt like when we embraced each other. I force my mind to not think about what would have been if he had come home, to where my sons would have their father. And now I'm facing the realization that I am not only forgetting things that I forgot when he was on deployment, but I'm forgetting things I could remember until recently, like the sound of his voice when he sang. Granted, thanks to technology, I am able to listen to his voicemails, but I loved it when he sang a certain song, and I want to hear it again. We played it at his funeral, and I'm pretty sure he sings it to Jesus now, which means I'll hear it again.

Yesterday I was doing the boys' hair before church. I called them into my bathroom, put some gel on my hand, rubbed in a little water and put the combination into their hair. They like to use their dad's hairbrush, so I had it in there and I picked it up to start brushing Zachary's hair.

I decided to smell it.

And it smelled JUST like him.

We all smelled it at least once, and just smiled.