Thursday, August 30, 2012

Let's Get Things Straight

Yes, I am a widow. Yes, I am lonely. Yes, I am ready to find someone. And yes, I'd like to find someone.

~ BUT ~

This does not make me vulnerable anymore. It does not make me desperate. It does not make me "easy" or "loose."

I have standards, I have morals, and I will NOT settle just because I'm alone. I'm traditional, I'm modest, I don't like today's world of dating. It doesn't make sense to me, at all. I will not date someone just for fun, I will only court someone because I believe they have the potential to be my husband and a father figure to my three sons. 

My husband was an amazing man, he was a man of God. That was one of the very first things that attracted me to him. His devotion and passion that he had for the work of God, and for others was incredible. It may take years to find a man with the same zeal, and that is also willing to accept the boys and me and our situation. But when/if it happens, it will make it so much sweeter that I decided to hold to my standards and convictions and wait (on a physical and emotional level) for that man.

In the meantime, only men that are serious about taking on our family and are interested on settling down (and not breaking my heart), are welcome to approach me. Otherwise, please do not waste either one of our time.

Proverbs 15:25 - The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Don't Look

My mind wandered today when I was bringing Tyson home from school.
So many memories flooded my exhausted brain all at one time. I thought about if we knew before he deployed, that my love was not going to come back home to me. I thought about the first time I saw him.... lifeless. I thought about song lyrics, and how I grieve.

I consider myself to be a "closet griever." To me, this means that on the outside I look fine and dandy, everything is just great, NO CRYING! But, when I'm alone or something triggers that emotion, it all comes pouring out. This doesn't happen much anymore, but the one time that it stands out most to me is when I remember August 8th, 2011. I was in Jacksonville, North Carolina. I was five months pregnant, with my two older sons. I had already seen my husbands "carrying case" come off of that plane, but I hadn't had to face the reality of looking at what were once the lips that kissed me, the hands that held me, and the eyes that beheld at me.

I specifically requested that no one enter the room while I viewed my husband alone. I knew I needed this. I had been able to cry, but not enough. I was angry, at him, and I had to cry to let out the anger, and the guilt for feeling that anger. I remember walking up to the funeral home with my sons, and one of the Marines said to me "You don't have to be the Marine today, Mary. You can be the wife and cry." I just smiled and said, "Ok, Gunny!" He looked at me and said "No, really." I walked into the funeral home and seeing two female Marines that I had once worked with, both had known Luke, and one was his escort from Dover. I immediately just wanted to be embraced by them, it was comforting to be with fellow Marines, and those that reminded me of our newlywed days. 

They told me that they were ready for me to view him, so I began to walk in there. One of the Marines tried to go in with me, and I asked him to please stay out, that I needed to be alone. 

The casket was open, and I walked over to a tissue box and grabbed a few, as I knew I'd need them. I prepared myself and then walked over to where he was. I didn't want to touch him, I couldn't remember him that way. I started to cry a little, but not too much at that point. I knew that he had had some damage on the left side of his body and I began to lean over to look at the left side of his face. I saw how swollen he was and I said aloud "Stop it, don't look, don't look, don't look." I stood straight up again and looked at him, and I lost it. While I don't remember doing this, I have been told by several people that were outside of that room that it sounded as though I were being killed. In a way I was, my heart was dying.

I allowed myself maybe five minutes, I pulled myself together, and requested that my sons come in there with me. You can find out how they reacted to seeing their daddy here.

While there are many other things on my mind today, this seems to have been on the forefront. I'm not exactly sure why, but I feel so much better now that I've hashed it all out again and have it off of my chest. As always, thank you for reading and being a listening eye.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Overwhelmed, Worn, Ragged, and Tired

I like to have a good perspective on things, to realize that we don't have it that bad. But sometimes I just need to vent, and I need to let other people know how I feel because I don't communicate well.

Some people think that when you hit the glorious year mark, you're suddenly fine. It's like a big party with a banner that reads "Congratulations! It's been one year and you're no longer grieving!" Your world has opened up, as it's no longer acceptable to have bad days, but it is suddenly socially acceptable to date (no, I am not dating yet!).
That certainly is not that case. If you think about it, the last year has been insane. While I've been working hard at making sure that I'm grieving properly, I've been somewhat preoccupied with several other things. And tonight I'm just worn.

I'm tired of the boys fighting.
I want Quentin to stop fighting sleep.
I want need to stop worrying about my children constantly.
I want my house to be clean all of the time.
I want certain people to be kind, and not ignore me or hurt my feelings because they can.
I want people to stop taking advantage of my vulnerability.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I want my husband.

While I have my brief moments as described above, I have nothing but blessings pouring into my life. Three little blessings to be specific, here's an update on them:

Quentin has the two most adorable teeth EVER, and is almost crawling. Zach is now POTTY TRAINED! And Tyson has lost TWO teeth! The two older boys start school within the next few weeks, and they need haircuts, terribly.