Monday, September 23, 2013

My Decision

Since my love was killed, I had the desire to remember him in a very specific way, one that would be very special and unique to our relationship. I went back and forth, weighing the pros and cons, but I finally decided that I wanted to do it, and I was going to follow through. And I did. On my 28th birthday, and the night before my his 35th birthday (his third in heaven), I took that step. 

I got a tattoo.

I know that many people will not approve of or be happy with my decision, but that's exactly it; it's MY decision. One that took me two years to make, and one that I am happy I made. It has meaning, very deep meaning. I will share that meaning with you now.....

I met my love on November 21st, 2004. He asked me to be his on February 15th, 2005. He deployed a few weeks later to Iraq. During this deployment, he wrote me a letter that read "Mary, be strong and of good curage. I will return to you Lord willing. my life is in his hands and my heart is in yourss. I love u Luke." Yes, I know there are grammatical errors in that quote, but that is exactly how he wrote it. He wasn't great at spelling, but he knew how to convey his love and devotion to me through his words, it never mattered if it was spelled wrong, just knowing what I meant to him made my world go round.

I had those words forever inscribed on my left forearm, in his writing. I wanted it close to my heart, a place where he will always be. I talked to the boys before I had it done, and they were very supportive of my decision. When I showed Tyson, he became emotional and was very excited to see a part of his daddy on me. He and Zachary continue to ask me to read the words to them, they love hearing it read to them over and over, and also love sharing with people that I now have a letter that he wrote me on my arm. I know people will wonder if I have thought about the possibility of remarriage and how that will make that man feel. To be honest, Luke was my first love and he will always be my first love and will always hold a special place in my heart for not just that reason, but he is also the father to our three sons, and was an amazing man. To be painfully blunt, if a man has a problem with it, then he is not meant for me.

I thought this would be the easiest way to show people my decision and to give the background and importance of it. I ask that while you may object or have your personal views on this, which I respect, that you please respect me and my choice and the meaning that it has to me.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Not Fitting in

I have done all I know to do. I am in a good church, I am involved in the community, I reach out to people, I spend time with my family; and yet, I don't fit in. I feel like an outcast, the third wheel, the outsider, the WIDOW. I've seen the people whispering as they look at me, followed by the turned head and the lips that read "aww..." I know our situation makes them uncomfortable, because they don't know what to say, or how to act. Avoidance is often the easiest, yet most hurtful choice. 

I love our home, and the boys' school, but I'm feeling so unsettled again for some reason. It could be the recent breakup, or my loves' 35th birthday coming up in a few weeks. No matter what the reason is, my heart is aching more than it has in a long time, and while I long for that lifelong companionship of finding "the one," or "the second one," I really just have the simple desire to have friends. I have the best friends in the world, you very select few know who you are. But, all but one of these friends lives in another state. I have an UH-MAZING family; one who changed their lives for me and my boys when our world was literally turned upside down. However, I never thought that in my THIRD year of grief, I would not only still be single, but that I would have such a yearning for friendship. Thank you, once again, for being a listening eye. Love to all, Mary.