Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Broken & Unloveable?

Things have been great in my life, the best they've been in a very long time. I recently started a new job in a wonderful environment, with some amazing people! I have the best friends a girl could ask for, ones that would do anything for me whenever I needed it. But there's still this feeling I can't shake. It's this time, November, the 26th to be exact. It would be 8 years since he made me his, for what was supposed to be forever. 

In August, I had someone tell me that certain dates (i.e., the anniversary of his death) should not have such an impact on me, and that they affect my relationships in ways they shouldn't. This left me feeling so broken, and so incredibly unloveable. Like no one could ever love me again because of the pain I can't seem to just "get over." 

Then I realized... It's ok to still grieve, it's ok to still be sad at times. It doesn't mean I'm broken, it doesn't mean I can't love or be loved again. In fact, it means that I know love deeper than I did 8 years ago, to have the one you gave your heart to taken away. What it means is that I am human, that I have feelings and emotion for those who I love and care for. 

While I know that the challenges that this life has brought me will not be easy for a man to take on, I also know that the man that God has for me will be accepting and love me despite the fact that certain times may be harder on me than others. God's timing is perfect, and while it hasn't been easy in the past, and isn't easy now, I rest in Him and his unchanging love and grace.

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in the time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (KJV).